Why this blog exists...

This blog is a journal, a memento of my feelings, thoughts and personal experience of being a gestational carrier.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

First photo of the baby!

Here is the baby at 10 weeks. I told the daddies that I think it looks like a Gingerbread Man Cookie. I suppose it could look like something worse. See the little arm and leg nubs? Too cool. I didn't get the pleasure of seeing my babies this early in the womb so it was a pleasure to see this little one so early. I am so excited to begin having a "normal" pregnancy from here on. I no longer need to be monitored by Connecticut Fertility Associates and can be seen at Cheshire Medical Center. Although to be honest I am most excited that I get to start weaning off the medications. I have to take the Progesterone shot every other day, take Estrace from twice a day to once a day, Prometrium every other day for another 2 weeks. I think I can handle that. I wish I could say that I would be able to take a celebratory time out to have a margarita with my pal Chelsea but alas that will have to wait for another 7 months.
I'm ready for all of this. I was looking at maternity clothes online today. I have to say that I was excited to bring them out of storage at my house. I repeat as I have said before...Progesterone makes you gain weight. I am not just someone that decided to let myself go because I am pregnant. I have gained more weight than I thought I would and am frankly ready to start wearing a few of the ol' maternity clothes. Meh, I don't really mind. I accept it and really, if I didn't like wearing the clothes among other things, I wouldn't have been able to commit to being a surrogate.

That being said I am so excited to move forward, to experience everything that is to come.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Almost 10 weeks..what?

Finally a new post here. Several of my dear followers have issued threats if I didn't write. There is not much going on here. I had some bleeding last week and instantly panicked that I was going to miscarry. I didn't of course and am still going strong. I've been so nervous lately. A few of the ladies on our surrogate message board have had some issues. One lost the baby at 5 weeks. Another got positive pregnancy tests only to have lost it the following week and another who is halfway through carrying twins is having complications. I don't even know what I would do if that happened to me.

I am intensely afraid even now that something bad is going to happen. More so than with my children. I was thinking about it and realized that I think in this instance it has got to be so difficult on the surrogate and-perhaps I am wrong here-but maybe even more so than on the Intended Parents. This isn't to be insensitive to the parents and their feelings but knowing what I've gone through already from medications to mood swings, the thought of starting all over again from scratch just sounds devastating.

When I signed up for this I knew that all of these things were possibilities. I am a strong person and truly believe that anyone would have to be to be in this position. I mean I started my medications on January 8 and will begin weaning off of the last of them next week. That is 3 months of shots and pills and vaginal pills too! I feel for those women, more than I could imagine because not only do they have to go through a miscarriage and the hormonal effects of getting off the medications cold turkey but they have to prepare their bodies to do it all over again, this time with perhaps a less optimistic view of the process.

I have my last ultrasound on Monday April 11 before I am turned over to normal prenatal care. I hope that this ultrasound is a positive one as I continue on this journey. I will be more than thrilled when the first trimester is over and I can breathe a little easier to know that the likelihood of complications drops.

Thanks to all who read. It is nice to know some people care about me and the impact this is having on not only the parents but on my life as well.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Time goes by so fast!

So I know I haven't updated in a while. Some people, I'm talking to you CPH apparently have nothing better to do than stalk my life. No just kidding. Seriously I guess the reason I haven't updated is because really not much is happening. Maybe I'm making too light of my situation.

Yes I am pregnant. I guess that would have been a good thing to post. However, I know that the few people that read this blog probably knew that so...meh..I didn't post it.

Plus to be honest I have been so extremely moody, which is so not me by nature that I feared typing something on here would sound either a) whiny, b)angry, c)even more whiny. So I steered clear until I could compose my thoughts.

I would be lying if I said I didn't mind taking all the medications or that I'm not nervous about al of this in some way. I mean I'm getting to the point where I don't want to inject a two inch long needle into my ass every day and sticking other pills up my vajayjay.

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled beyond belief to be doing this but I am ready to be past this preliminary phase. I don't want to be soo tired beyond belief. And I am sick of being so edgy. Someone does one thing and I am about ready to bite their head off. I don't like feeling this way. I believe it is due to the medications. This is known to be a side effect. I hope it passes soon or I won't be able to be around people without screaming or crying or both. I almost broke down at work last week for no reason. I literally could not figure out why I felt like I was going to cry. It was embarrassing. Luckily no one saw me and I composed myself.

Now to the good things going on with all of this. So yes I found out I am pregnant. I am not 100% sure of a due date but I know that as of Tuesday March 15 I am 6 weeks pregnant. This should make me due right around the beginning of November. Not a bad time to have a baby. There really shouldn't be much snow, if any and I won't be sweltering hot like I was when I was pregnant with Simon. My HCG levels have been rising as they should and I have my first ultrasound on March 22nd. I should find out then whether there is more than one baby in there.

One woman who is on our surrogacy message board has found out that one of her embryos split and that she is having triplets. I empathize with her since I don't know what I would do in her situation. I really don't. Not that it would be entirely up to me. The parents would really have to make the critical decision whether to have all three or "selectively reduce" down to two. That is such a tough choice however the surrogate has extreme risks to herself and the babies if she carries all three. Yikes.

I personally think I am only carrying one. I just don't think both embies stuck...however I could be completely wrong. I am very excited to find out.

Update to come once I know more.

Monday, February 21, 2011

My transfer experience!

My transfer was yesterday. Here is how it all went down. My husband and I got to Bridgeport on Thursday night. I was expecting a Day 5 transfer so I knew it was unlikely that I would have the transfer on Friday but I was there on the off chance that they decided to do so. Anyway, we get to the Holiday Inn around 9pm, after we had both worked that day and got home and rushed around to get ready and drop off out children to our friends who were going to watch them.

I barely slept that night, knowing that tomorrow could/would change my life. I barely ate breakfast the next morning. I have a nervous stomach so I wasn't sure when/if things would happen. I wasn't sure what the potential timeline was so I called CFA around 8:30. They told me that if I hadn't heard anything and didn't hear anything before 10 or 11 then it wasn't going to be on Friday. I took a much needed nap as time passed and were set knowing it would be Sunday.

My husband and I took the day to relax a bit at the hotel. There is a mall near CFA so we did a bit of shopping-why not right? We had a wonderful dinner with our IF's on Friday night, staying out until past 10pm! Shock, it was way past normal bedtime! Honestly though I was thrilled to get the chance to chat with them more and they had lots of questions as did I. They had no idea what I had been going through as far as medications and shots. They were just told that I was on medications but hadn't a clue to what that entailed so it was nice to let them know what was going on and how I was feeling about it all.

Saturday rolled around and I felt a bit nauseous. I think the morning dose of Doxycycline may be at fault but I'm not sure....so we kind of stayed up cozy n our room. Bridgeport isn't exactly a city you want to take a stroll among. I was getting anxious and restless, I admit. I desperately began to miss my children but I enjoyed getting some much needed rest and time to think, which I did. I started a journal for the baby, separate from this forum or my blog where, should the parents choose to give it to them when they are older, they will know the experience I went through and how special it was for me.

Sunday comes and we play the waiting game. I obsessively check my phone, making sure I didn't miss a call and that my volume was at the highest level should I mistakenly miss it....10:10 rolls around and I finally decide to call CFA, I just can't wait any longer. Come to find out that they said I was supposed to be there at 10!! I was not informed of this so I was a little upset but I didn't really have time to think about it as we rushed to CFA for my long awaited transfer. I called the IF's and they were on their way already so we all got there about the same time. As it was Sunday there was no one else there so we got right in. I got into a johnny and was sitting on the table. The nurse told me that they had just recently changed their process so as it used to be done in a surgical room, they were now done in more like an exam room. There was soft lighting, nice music and a large tv showing peaceful landscapes. It set a nice mood. They put on my arm band and I was told to lay down, Dr. Williams came in and briefly told me what was going to happen. My IF's were a little uncomfortable being in the room with me so they waited in the waiting room. My husband attempted to take pictures. The placed in the speculum and from that point on I really didn't feel anything! It was less unpleasant than a regular pap smear! They placed in the catheter and on the large TV screen I saw the embryos, both of them looking beautiful. As Dr. Williams got them he said they were both in a drop of liquid! I never really thought about them as so small! Next he said that he was inserting via the catheter and placed in my uterus. He double checked to make sure neither of them got stuck in the catheter and said everything looked great! That was it! It took less than 10 minutes to change so many lives! The IF's got a large picture of the embryos. They were in shock but elated.

I go in on Tuesday to get initial blood work done and will find out March 1 if I am indeed pregnant. The waiting game begins...

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Coming up transfer...and the scary shots!

So...I started my Progesterone in Oil injections on Monday. Let me tell you these needles are quite large and they have to be injected in the muscle which essentially I was given two choices, my upper thigh or my upper bum...and I have read several places that the upper thigh is more uncomfortable so I had to get myself prepped to inject this huge thick needle into my bum.

Not only this but the medicine itself is oil-based so it is pretty thick. I took a half hour to finally do it. I called Mike in several times to say "I can't do it..I just can't!" and he says "You have to". I sucked it up and finally did it..after I poked at my skin a few times and even that hurt!

Once I got through the skin it wasn't bad. I pushed that oil in like it was my job. I have to take these shots every morning until I am 10 weeks pregnant. So roughly 3 months. I know don't be so jealous of how awesome that sounds. But it is all worth it.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Transfer Date Set!!!!

My transfer timeline is set! The egg donor's retrieval is Tuesday so I will have my transfer either Friday or Sunday. This actually works out so perfect for me because Monday February 21 is a bank holiday and as I work in a Treasury, bank holidays are like mini work holidays where we don't have to do all of our normal banking transactions. Good news all around! Now if only there was a way around injecting a needle into my bum, that would be nice.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Crisis Averted

Soo.....I almost ran out of needles to inject Lupron. I realize last night I had two left. Enough for today and tomorrow Luckily Freedom Pharmacy will deliver more on Thursday, just in time for my next injection. Whew! That could have been bad.

A girl at work's sister had twin boys yesterday. Both were over seven pounds! I was excited for her and I realized how excited I am to have another baby, even if it isn't my own. Another girl at work is pregnant and due in a few weeks. She was talking today about how uncomfortable she is and how she can't stand it when the baby has hiccups or sleeps and moves around. I of course started to get dreamy and reminisced of the days when my babies did those things when I was pregnant. She told me that she could never do what I was doing.

I realized then that I suppose I am not like everyone else who has been pregnant. I mean I know there are women who've had horrible pregnancies and were miserable. I loved every minute of mine...well okay maybe not EVERY minute but I really do relish in the idea of getting to do it again. My husband will be getting a vasectomy in March and while I think that our family is complete, a part of my is so very sad that I will never carry and birth my own child ever again. I will never know that incredible feeling of meeting my new child again for the first time.

I know that being a carrier is going to fulfill this need while allowing me to give the most wonderful gift to another family. I couldn't be happier with my decision.